The Buzzer Beater.

It's down to the wire, you are in your car, a meeting, maybe at dinner with that hot girl from work with all the boobs, when suddenly there is only one second on your shot clock. It is a problem that has haunted mankind since the dawn of the chilidog and beer half time extravaganza( wow, what a great scrabble word, maybe better that Xenorhyncus). So it's seventh down and number two to go and you are in a situation that does not allow you to paint the town brown.

These are symptoms of a Buzzer Beater, one of the best ways to, simultaneously ruin your day and make your friends month because, if you lack the sphincter fortitude to hold this little baby back, who knows what could happen. Maybe you will just have a fart and be done with it but there is always the chance that you will be faced with one of those "Oh God, why me" situations that happen in the movies when someones buddy/partner dies and it ends with them screaming to the heavens, damning the name of their current deity of choice. And we all know what happens when we lose an oops poops gamble, yes our friends get too laugh, giggle and ridicule until it happens to someone else.

One of the attributes of the buzzer Beater is that it makes you spend an inordinate amount of time on the holiest of holy thrones. This time, of course leads to preponderances. "Steamed broccoli and cheese with grape juice sounded good last night." "Is the sewer backing up or is that me?" "My God is there a walrus plowing through my large intestine?" "I wonder how long I could do this before I died of dehydration?" "What did they do with all the animal crap on Noah's Ark?", these are just some of the things you will wonder because you have the time now and you have read everything in the bathroom at least twice and this is no time to pull out the secret porn stash, you don't want that and this to mix together, it could really mess up your already fragile psyche. You will have to find ways of amusing yourself however, because the Buzzer Beater is a strange one indeed. It's almost as though you took a bullet train to the station and then had to wait for your luggage to arrive on one of those old timey hand cart things and you have an assload of luggage (minor pun).

Amusing yourself can be easy, if you live alone or no one is home but you. Most heavy drinkers I know have a television set in the direct eyeline of the bathroom door or a mirror somewhere in the can that makes the television visible. People like this are a step ahead of many of us. If you ever find yourself wondering why someones TV is in a strange spot, check the bathroom line of sight. If they match up, you have yourself an educated drinker who, may or may not, enjoy risky foods. If they have a TV in there bathroom, they are adepts and your ass is not worthy of their lofty latrine, do not even gaze upon it and probably avoid smelling it.

So that's the Buzzer Beater in a nutshell (mild poop joke). Just remember, next time you say "Hey why don't we try that little Greek place down the street, They are pretty cheap but I'm sure they're clean." Make sure you wear your running shoes and some easy pants and noo belt, you don't want a bunch of buckles, hasps and snaps in the way when it comes down to the wire. No, you want velcro stripper pants and a clear lane to the water closet when the count's down to T-minus .00005 and you're about to have lift off in your drawers.


Up next: The Double Barrel.

The Burning Gnome.

Here it is kiddies, the first installment of the Feces Files. I warn you, this is not an article for the wayward sufferer, or enjoyer, of Coprophagia. There will not be any actual photos of the big job on this site. This is a way for me to write about poopus in a public and open way and see how many folks hate or love the stupidity spilling from my fingers. So let's get to it, shall we?


A BURNING GNOME
(standing in a field of acorns)

What is the Burning Gnome? That is the first thing that may have crossed your mind when you read the header. Did someone misspell the title of a William Gibson novel, or just spin it for their own benefit, kind of like that movie Transmorphers that came out around the time of the Transformers debut? No, the Burning Gnome is named this for two very simple reasons. One, it burns like a curry enema and two, it ends up all pointy, like a gnome hat.
If you are a devotee of Mexican, Indian, or Thai food as I am and you also hold close a love for moderately priced booze, you have suffered through a Gnome of your own.

Ah yes, the late nights. Out burning the candle at three or four ends. Drinking until the wee hours and making the decision that White Castle or Taco Bell would just hit the spot and don't forget the hot sauce. Maybe you spent your weekend forgetting who you are at a Texican boarder retreat. Why not a few Prairie Fires to kick off a late night bender? Well you can pay for that the next day my friends. You will poop a gnome. Not just any gnome, not even David the Gnome, (voiced by Tom Bosley of Happy Days fame) but a Burning Gnome. It will sear like the Sterquilinus himself was crawling from your colon wearing a red pepper suit.

I have to say that the Gnome is a drinkers poop and we are saddened, yet proud of it when it comes to pass. I could talk all day about the smell, not unlike putting 200,000 volts through an old rubber shoe that someone has filled with sewage, sandlewood and Satan but that would just be crass and this is an informative blog.

At any rate thank you for reading, hope you got a giggle or two from this.

Up next: The world famous Buzzer Beater.

In the beginnining...ining...

I am a lot like all of you. At least once in my life I have been dumbfounded by something that was released from my anus. I have felt pride, sorrow, relief and a shudder or two, all while sitting on the porcelain throne. I have also felt disgust, horror, fear and revulsion. At some point I have felt all these feelings at once. I have gazed in wonder at a piece of poo that seemed almost alien too me. How could something that big have come from my body? Other times I have felt like the over indulgent father of a career under achiever named Dookie. Look at you, in the toilet, it looks like a rabbit shat here, not a man. You sicken me you tiny turd. Then it's off to eat a bag of apples, just to prove myself a man.

Every body poops, or so the literary world would have us believe. Yet, to even mention ones poop in a social situation seems to be looked down upon. I decided years ago to start telling my friend detailed accounts of my doodoo. I would walk from a bathroom and openly critique the size, shape, aroma and volume of my former colon resident. Striking some in the room as humorous and others as terrified. Undaunted I carried on and soon, everyone's bottom drops were considered a fine topic of conversation.

Somehow, there are still pockets of humanity that think talking about mookie is sick and wrong. These people claim that this "toilet humor" is a blight on our society. They crave the old ways of white wigged, sophisticate Toffs with a special brand of aloofness, they want to be above all the filth of the lowlifes and their ilk. These people, I dislike. I am against them. They are against toilet humor, they feel it is base and common. Are you kidding me? I, as well as most of my friends, are well read, educated people and we all think, to quote Danny Devito, " Poop is funny" (from: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

This is why, for the next twelve months, poop will be on the menu. I will be writing the Feces Files. This will be a critique of some of my finest moments and biggest heartbreaks on the sewer shoot. If you are not a fan of the toilet, maybe this blog can help change your mind. If you are a fan, then I hope this entertains you for a few minutes at least. I want to bring you gut busting humor of a different kind. Please, if you will, come along with me and enjoy the trip.

Next article: The Burning Gnome.

Thank you, Joe Bjorklund