In the beginnining...ining...

I am a lot like all of you. At least once in my life I have been dumbfounded by something that was released from my anus. I have felt pride, sorrow, relief and a shudder or two, all while sitting on the porcelain throne. I have also felt disgust, horror, fear and revulsion. At some point I have felt all these feelings at once. I have gazed in wonder at a piece of poo that seemed almost alien too me. How could something that big have come from my body? Other times I have felt like the over indulgent father of a career under achiever named Dookie. Look at you, in the toilet, it looks like a rabbit shat here, not a man. You sicken me you tiny turd. Then it's off to eat a bag of apples, just to prove myself a man.

Every body poops, or so the literary world would have us believe. Yet, to even mention ones poop in a social situation seems to be looked down upon. I decided years ago to start telling my friend detailed accounts of my doodoo. I would walk from a bathroom and openly critique the size, shape, aroma and volume of my former colon resident. Striking some in the room as humorous and others as terrified. Undaunted I carried on and soon, everyone's bottom drops were considered a fine topic of conversation.

Somehow, there are still pockets of humanity that think talking about mookie is sick and wrong. These people claim that this "toilet humor" is a blight on our society. They crave the old ways of white wigged, sophisticate Toffs with a special brand of aloofness, they want to be above all the filth of the lowlifes and their ilk. These people, I dislike. I am against them. They are against toilet humor, they feel it is base and common. Are you kidding me? I, as well as most of my friends, are well read, educated people and we all think, to quote Danny Devito, " Poop is funny" (from: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

This is why, for the next twelve months, poop will be on the menu. I will be writing the Feces Files. This will be a critique of some of my finest moments and biggest heartbreaks on the sewer shoot. If you are not a fan of the toilet, maybe this blog can help change your mind. If you are a fan, then I hope this entertains you for a few minutes at least. I want to bring you gut busting humor of a different kind. Please, if you will, come along with me and enjoy the trip.

Next article: The Burning Gnome.

Thank you, Joe Bjorklund