The Buzzer Beater.

It's down to the wire, you are in your car, a meeting, maybe at dinner with that hot girl from work with all the boobs, when suddenly there is only one second on your shot clock. It is a problem that has haunted mankind since the dawn of the chilidog and beer half time extravaganza( wow, what a great scrabble word, maybe better that Xenorhyncus). So it's seventh down and number two to go and you are in a situation that does not allow you to paint the town brown.

These are symptoms of a Buzzer Beater, one of the best ways to, simultaneously ruin your day and make your friends month because, if you lack the sphincter fortitude to hold this little baby back, who knows what could happen. Maybe you will just have a fart and be done with it but there is always the chance that you will be faced with one of those "Oh God, why me" situations that happen in the movies when someones buddy/partner dies and it ends with them screaming to the heavens, damning the name of their current deity of choice. And we all know what happens when we lose an oops poops gamble, yes our friends get too laugh, giggle and ridicule until it happens to someone else.

One of the attributes of the buzzer Beater is that it makes you spend an inordinate amount of time on the holiest of holy thrones. This time, of course leads to preponderances. "Steamed broccoli and cheese with grape juice sounded good last night." "Is the sewer backing up or is that me?" "My God is there a walrus plowing through my large intestine?" "I wonder how long I could do this before I died of dehydration?" "What did they do with all the animal crap on Noah's Ark?", these are just some of the things you will wonder because you have the time now and you have read everything in the bathroom at least twice and this is no time to pull out the secret porn stash, you don't want that and this to mix together, it could really mess up your already fragile psyche. You will have to find ways of amusing yourself however, because the Buzzer Beater is a strange one indeed. It's almost as though you took a bullet train to the station and then had to wait for your luggage to arrive on one of those old timey hand cart things and you have an assload of luggage (minor pun).

Amusing yourself can be easy, if you live alone or no one is home but you. Most heavy drinkers I know have a television set in the direct eyeline of the bathroom door or a mirror somewhere in the can that makes the television visible. People like this are a step ahead of many of us. If you ever find yourself wondering why someones TV is in a strange spot, check the bathroom line of sight. If they match up, you have yourself an educated drinker who, may or may not, enjoy risky foods. If they have a TV in there bathroom, they are adepts and your ass is not worthy of their lofty latrine, do not even gaze upon it and probably avoid smelling it.

So that's the Buzzer Beater in a nutshell (mild poop joke). Just remember, next time you say "Hey why don't we try that little Greek place down the street, They are pretty cheap but I'm sure they're clean." Make sure you wear your running shoes and some easy pants and noo belt, you don't want a bunch of buckles, hasps and snaps in the way when it comes down to the wire. No, you want velcro stripper pants and a clear lane to the water closet when the count's down to T-minus .00005 and you're about to have lift off in your drawers.


Up next: The Double Barrel.