The Burning Gnome.

Here it is kiddies, the first installment of the Feces Files. I warn you, this is not an article for the wayward sufferer, or enjoyer, of Coprophagia. There will not be any actual photos of the big job on this site. This is a way for me to write about poopus in a public and open way and see how many folks hate or love the stupidity spilling from my fingers. So let's get to it, shall we?


A BURNING GNOME
(standing in a field of acorns)

What is the Burning Gnome? That is the first thing that may have crossed your mind when you read the header. Did someone misspell the title of a William Gibson novel, or just spin it for their own benefit, kind of like that movie Transmorphers that came out around the time of the Transformers debut? No, the Burning Gnome is named this for two very simple reasons. One, it burns like a curry enema and two, it ends up all pointy, like a gnome hat.
If you are a devotee of Mexican, Indian, or Thai food as I am and you also hold close a love for moderately priced booze, you have suffered through a Gnome of your own.

Ah yes, the late nights. Out burning the candle at three or four ends. Drinking until the wee hours and making the decision that White Castle or Taco Bell would just hit the spot and don't forget the hot sauce. Maybe you spent your weekend forgetting who you are at a Texican boarder retreat. Why not a few Prairie Fires to kick off a late night bender? Well you can pay for that the next day my friends. You will poop a gnome. Not just any gnome, not even David the Gnome, (voiced by Tom Bosley of Happy Days fame) but a Burning Gnome. It will sear like the Sterquilinus himself was crawling from your colon wearing a red pepper suit.

I have to say that the Gnome is a drinkers poop and we are saddened, yet proud of it when it comes to pass. I could talk all day about the smell, not unlike putting 200,000 volts through an old rubber shoe that someone has filled with sewage, sandlewood and Satan but that would just be crass and this is an informative blog.

At any rate thank you for reading, hope you got a giggle or two from this.

Up next: The world famous Buzzer Beater.

In the beginnining...ining...

I am a lot like all of you. At least once in my life I have been dumbfounded by something that was released from my anus. I have felt pride, sorrow, relief and a shudder or two, all while sitting on the porcelain throne. I have also felt disgust, horror, fear and revulsion. At some point I have felt all these feelings at once. I have gazed in wonder at a piece of poo that seemed almost alien too me. How could something that big have come from my body? Other times I have felt like the over indulgent father of a career under achiever named Dookie. Look at you, in the toilet, it looks like a rabbit shat here, not a man. You sicken me you tiny turd. Then it's off to eat a bag of apples, just to prove myself a man.

Every body poops, or so the literary world would have us believe. Yet, to even mention ones poop in a social situation seems to be looked down upon. I decided years ago to start telling my friend detailed accounts of my doodoo. I would walk from a bathroom and openly critique the size, shape, aroma and volume of my former colon resident. Striking some in the room as humorous and others as terrified. Undaunted I carried on and soon, everyone's bottom drops were considered a fine topic of conversation.

Somehow, there are still pockets of humanity that think talking about mookie is sick and wrong. These people claim that this "toilet humor" is a blight on our society. They crave the old ways of white wigged, sophisticate Toffs with a special brand of aloofness, they want to be above all the filth of the lowlifes and their ilk. These people, I dislike. I am against them. They are against toilet humor, they feel it is base and common. Are you kidding me? I, as well as most of my friends, are well read, educated people and we all think, to quote Danny Devito, " Poop is funny" (from: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

This is why, for the next twelve months, poop will be on the menu. I will be writing the Feces Files. This will be a critique of some of my finest moments and biggest heartbreaks on the sewer shoot. If you are not a fan of the toilet, maybe this blog can help change your mind. If you are a fan, then I hope this entertains you for a few minutes at least. I want to bring you gut busting humor of a different kind. Please, if you will, come along with me and enjoy the trip.

Next article: The Burning Gnome.

Thank you, Joe Bjorklund